Choosing my Purpose

The Family

Hey Everyone!  Welcome to my site.  I’m a mom of three kids ages 5 and under.  I work full time outside of the home and for any mom who works full time knows it’s all a juggling act.  Not only the long list of to do items, mounting laundry, cooking a somewhat healthy dinner, finding that quality time but that nasty mommy guilt! I never knew that balancing 3 kids, a full time job, and a husband who works retail hours was going to be so tough.

Big Brother

Big Sister

Jeff and I were married in June 2008 after dating for several years.  I was a step-mom before becoming a mom myself.  It taught me a lot and everything was far from perfect.  Jeff’s kids, Jeffrey and Cassie, are now 23 and 21 and off making their own lives.  We don’t see them much anymore, part of me wonders if they steer clear of the chaos for a reason.  However, they are definitely still a big part of our large family of 7.

Dallas is our first born.  He is full of character and loves attention!  He doesn’t always get it in the best ways possible but when he does he really can capture a room.  He is funny, witty, curious and honestly one of the most amazing little 5 years olds I know!  He can carry on a conversation with any adult and loves to help in any way possible; in fact I’m pretty sure he would scrub the toilet if I asked.  Dallas has a huge heart for the Lord and knows all about heaven, after all that’s where MiMi is and one day we know we will get to see her again.  Dallas loves to pretend and has even been a preacher putting on a sermon for the whole room, or water baptizing his brother in the bathtub.  I’m worried that one day the Lord will call him to be a pastor, a missionary or something great.  I will be such a proud mother, but my fear comes from my past.  I would have never fit in as a pastor’s daughter how in the world would I fit in as a pastor’s mom.  Thankfully, I have God’s grace and many more years to wonder what he will become.

Then came Landry, the second born, but not my second pregnancy.  You see I lost 2 babies between them of which I will discuss in its own post.  Landry is the typical middle child!  He has definitely given me a run for my money.  He came out jaundice, colicky, acid reflux and a complete fear of losing me.  Not only did I just have my second child but I was losing my mom at the same time.  It was hard for us to form a bond and I felt like a complete failure as a mother.  However, we have come a long way in two and a half years.  This little boy warms my heart every day!  He is my cuddler and loves to give hugs and kisses to everyone.  He is definitely the family clown and keeps us all entertained.  He is quiet and sneaky and is up to no good most of the time but with his little grin it’s really hard to get mad at him.

My Princess

At this point Momma was desperate for a baby girl.  Here I lost my mom when Landry was only 5 months old and I was longing for that mother daughter relationship.   Jeff and I would talk and talk again about whether or not we would have a third child.  You see, Jeff only agreed to two babies when he agreed to hit the re-set button on his life.  This was definitely a challenge and I knew in my heart I wouldn’t be happy without a baby girl.  We talked about adopting, foster to adopting, the whole shebang.  It was only a few months later I realized we didn’t have a choice, I was pregnant again and all I could do was pray for a baby girl.  Well, we got our wish in September 2013 when Haley joined our family.   She couldn’t be more perfect!  She has the sweetest little demeanor and has always been a good baby.  A little pickier than her brothers but that’s a princess for ya.

I feel like as a girl, a woman and a mom I have been through a lot.  Some days I feel like I have it all and other days I feel like a complete mess, a failure and left wondering how I am going to keep it all together.  I feel as mom’s and woman we are so worried about how someone else is going to view us, judge us, and gossip about us when we leave that  we tend to hold it all in.  We put on this persona that everything is perfect in our world and fail to let anyone get too close and not allow those who are close be our best allies. I have held it all in for far to long and it has gotten me no where so now its time for me to write my own story, choose my own purpose and maybe just maybe encourage someone else along the way.