In October 2014 I attended a women’s conference that was put on by our new church. I gained a number of things out of this conference, but the main thing I grabbed onto was the calling that I needed to break out of my shell and find my voice. For those who know me, I am very quiet, reserved and of few words. I tend to be the listener and not the speaker. I wasn’t always this way, as a child, I would have talked your ear off, I would talk to anyone, anywhere, I had NO fear. Somewhere along the line that changed. Maybe it was because I became fearful of what others would think of what I said. Maybe it was because I had gained wisdom. After all, I was always taught to be a woman of few words, for if I spoke all the time just to fill a conversation with words no one would listen when it really mattered. I feel like I remember my grandpa saying that if you were of few words and spoke up when it mattered people would stop and listen. Whatever the change, it had forever changed who I was as a child. I am not the one who will be at the podium speaking (unless he calls me and gives me a HUGE dose of courage) and I will not be screaming my testimony from the rooftops.

I know deep down that when he called me to find my voice he called me to write. I was to write my story, my testimony, my experiences. It sounded like a great idea at the time, however, I began to doubt myself and my ability. I felt like no one would really want to read about my story or would care about what I had to say. So, over the past several months I would continue to ask for prayer about what finding my voice really meant. I think in a way I was hoping for some kind of affirmation or someone to tell me outright that I should write my story. Someone to validate that my story had a meaning and a purpose. Frankly I already had all of this from the one who matters most but I think I was desperate for some kind of earthly confirmation.

I would not get the confirmation I needed from anyone earthly. I would continue to be prompted by the Holy Spirit to write. Things would happen, ideas would pop in my head and I would let those moments pass me by. It wasn’t until yesterday that I would finally listen to his calling. He prepared me to sit down and write a chapter from my story. (See God’s Presence in my story) It was easier than I thought to write it all down, but the thought of sharing it completely freaked me out. I decided to publish it in a blog format on the web but did not dare to share it on social media in fear of what my friends or family might say, to know that people are critiquing my thoughts, my experiences, my translation of what the Lord has been saying to me and to know what I truly feel. You might as well stick me out on a busy road completely naked for everyone to see. It was definitely more than I was prepared to do so I just let it sit there, and figured I would share one day when I had more courage and content.

Well, as always he has different plans and this morning I learned a valuable lesson…. You can run, but God WILL find you!

Last night covered in guilt that I have not been reading the word as I promised God since the beginning of the year, I decided to download a short little devotional reading plan and that would at least get me studying something amongst the chaos of 3 small children. Last night’s devotional talked about taking risks and in order to live a great story we need to take godly risks and trust that he has a plan and a purpose for our lives. I read it and while I felt encouraged nothing jumped off the page at me.

This morning, my alarm went off at 4am and as I was going to roll out of bed to do my morning workout I thought I would spend a few minutes resting and read today’s devotional. If I were sitting in a chair I would have fallen off in the shock of what he revealed to me.

I began to read .. But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.” Exodus 4:10-14

This morning, I finally shared all of this with my husband and as I read the verse again I began to weep. I may feel that what I have to say or what I have to write about is insignificant, but who am I to determine that for someone else. God is the one who will determine if they see and hear what he is trying to tell them. Therefore, I know that if writing about my story and my experiences encourages just one, then being open, raw and vulnerable is all worth it to do what he has called me to do.

Today at church as we are studying about a greater presence of God a verse hit me and it literally wrecked me! 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9 states, “He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of or Lord Jesus. They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might.”

For someone who has experienced trials in my life and has felt the presence and protection of the Lord in each of them, I cannot begin to fathom or imagine what it would be like to go through life not experiencing his presence. I worry about my family, my friends, or people I have never met wandering through their day to day with such struggle, such despair and no hope or trust that they will be delivered from it. As Christians, we are not free of struggles, however, as Scotty Smith quote states, “Father, you don’t promise we won’t experience floods and torrents, fires and flames. But you do promise you will be with us, and that we won’t suffer ultimate harm. To know you are near and to know you are good is all we really need. We will go anywhere and do anything as long as we’re convinced that you’re with us and for us!”

So it’s my opinion, those who may be reading this right now who do not know Christ are asking how can you be so certain that he exists and that the presence of the Lord is real. Well its through my life and my experiences.

Luckily, I’ve been fortunate enough to know, since a child that God exists. I have a full belief that as children we have some sort of sixth sense. As I was at my Grandma’s funeral when I was about 4 or 5 I can remember vividly a bright light the vision of him under a white arched trellis. This was my first experience with Jesus and even though I had no real knowledge of what that meant I have always known he is there or I would have never seen him that day. However, just knowing that he existed didn’t make life easier and free of bad decisions. I would spend the next several years learning about him in church, but I never really felt a connection and there was no relationship with him that went beyond our Sunday and Wednesday nights.

As I started high school, I became really confused with a larger urge to fit in, then came the boys, unbelieving friends and before I knew it I was someone I didn’t even know. I felt so angry, confused, depressed, with no joy or happiness. It just continued to spiral out of control as I attempted to figure things out by focusing on worldly things, people and objects and continued to be disappointed. I became so miserable that the only thing I thought would make me feel better would be to not feel by filling myself with substances which led into a full blown meth addiction. I managed to screw up my life, relationships and finances so badly I didn’t even know how I was going to get out. I didn’t dare tell my parents what I was doing and or what I was going through. I thought they would never understand and they would be SO disappointed. I found myself in several situations that looking back, I am not sure how I got out of, including being pulled over, high, with my dealer in the car. Having full knowledge now, I know that even though I had strayed his presence was there to protect me from further pain and life changing consequences. I finally got so miserable they I called my mom hysterical on Thanksgiving 2003, she still had no idea what was going on, she just knew something was off. That night as I fell asleep after not sleeping for several days I woke up at 11am to my phone ringing. It was my mom calling, she was downstairs, and was telling me she wasn’t sure why she was there, but she felt the voice of the Lord telling her she needed to be at my house that morning and wanted to come up. As I walked out to let her in it literally looked like my apartment had been robbed. Mostly everything was gone and what was left looked like it was thrown around as my roommate took all of their stuff in the middle of the night and left. At that moment I felt like I had lost everything, had my mom not been there that morning to experience what was going on I know that I would have never known how to come clean and ask for help. It would have ended in 1 of 2 ways; I would have taken my own life or I would have likely overdosed trying to rid myself of the pain and despair I felt. That day the Lord sent her to save my life and I will be eternally grateful for that moment. Then began a whirlwind of events that landed me in rehab a week later. I spent the year following rehab going to school and hiding from the world too scared of what I would fall back into. I still wasn’t ready to give my life to the Lord, it was easier to do things my way. It would take a little over a year before I would agree to go to church. It was after I met my future husband and we decided to attend Alpha together. (My dad had been pushing this for months, but go figure it would take a boyfriend to get me there)

I hesitated going back to church and giving my life to the Lord. Growing up I thought those who attended church were perfect, their lives were easier, they all looked so put together and free of trials. As I attended Alpha the first night and the pastor shared his testimony that included an addiction to drugs and alcohol and was on the way to begin talking divorce from his wife when he was stopped in his tracks by a life threatening motorcycle crash. It was at that very moment when tears started streaming down my face, there he was now, a pastor of a church, no perfect life, a less than perfect past, using all he had experienced and learned in those moments to speak life into others and would bring several to Christ using his testimony. It was in that moment that I handed my life back over to Christ and I learned that there was nothing holding me back from using my trials for his glory. After all, Romans 53-5 states that we should “rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Life began to change for me and instead of trying to do all in my power I looked to him but my next trial would show up in early 2010 after we had our first baby. A Dallas was growing and becoming more mobile we began to want a home withal a yard so we began looking for our perfect family home. At this same time my mom was becoming ill and would develop drop foot, which would put her on medical leave. She started developing a chronic vomiting problem and there was yet to be any diagnosis. Shortly after all that the Lord slammed the door in our face for a new home as my husband suffered a work injury, and ultimately lost his job. I looked to myself and wondered why and how we were going to do all of this, pay our bills, our child support payments and instead of looking to him I began to get increasingly stressed. It wasn’t long before God’s blessings revealed themselves in the version of a letter from the Insurance Company handling his work comp injury. It stated they would be paying his salary until he was able to find a job and once he found a job they would pay the difference in his salary until he found something that would pay him what he was making. While we couldn’t buy a house he protected us, he kept a roof over our head and free from the financial ruin we could have been in. As Jeff would find another job our desire was still for our own home and with a second child on the way we wanted it right away. We would be unable to break even on our Townhome, and unable to qualify for a second home without 2 years of rental payments for our townhouse and a years worth of my husband’s commission.

Dallas helping MiMi with her shoes

It was at this time my mom’s health continued to deteriorate, she received a diagnosis of MS and NMO, however, none of the treatments were working and my father was exhausted. It worked for us to rent out our Townhome, and move to my dad’s. We would gain the rental history and he would gain help he desperately needed at the time. We moved in February and I was due to have our 2nd child in March. I was put front and center with my mom and for those who know me, I tend to run and push away to protect my heart. I was able to work from home and take care of mom as needed. I would make her breakfast, sit with her during the day, and watch my oldest son create such a bond with her. He was only 2 1/2 and here he would bring her a boost drink and her dish of pills each morning and would even help papa get her ready and put her shoes on.

On March 21, 2012 I would have a scheduled C-Section and I was unsure if my mom would even be able to make it to the hospital. I remember her thanking me after Dallas was born. She was so thankful that she got to be there to welcome her grandson in the first minutes of his life. She told me she may never get to experience that again and I chuckled, I told her of course she would, we were set on having at least one more and she would be there! Little did we know then that she would be this ill. She never did get to have that experience again, but she did make it to the hospital to see her grandson.

As I arrived home, I would be taking care of a newborn with colic, a 2 1/2 year old and my mom while my husband and father would work immediately following a C-section. I still don’t know how I did it, but I know it was all God, he gave me strength and put people there to help when I had none. He had put difficulties in my way 18 months prior so that I would switch doctors in order to get pregnant with Landry, a Dr. that would not cut through my muscles causing a fast c-section recovery. It was a long 3 months balancing all my responsibilities but I managed. I even agreed to take care of my mom all by myself for a whole weekend while my husband and my father would bike the MS 150 in support of my mother. It was her last weekend at home and very symbolic that it was just the 2 of us and the kids. When my husband and father would return home, we discovered her muscles had atrophied and she was no longer able to walk. She left in an ambulance and never returned to our childhood home. She would be in and out of the hospital and nursing home until she chose hospice and passed away 10 days later on August 21, 2012. Landry was exactly 5 months old.

I was amazingly stronger than I ever thought I would be. My friends would ask me how I was being so strong. All I can say now is that it was the presence of the Lord holding me close, telling me it will all be okay! I look back today and know that he was such a gentleman through it all. I had told my husband years earlier when we met that if anything happened to my mom to check me into the loony bin and leave me there because I would NEVER be okay. It is amazing what God did to prepare me. He put obstacles in our place that landed us living with my parents, he gave me quality time with my mom that can never be replaced, he prepared my heart beyond human understanding. I watched her deteriorate and in her dying days she would yell for Jesus and I knew she wanted to go home, she wanted to be where the broken would be made whole, she wanted to be where she would know no pain and I could respect that. I miss my mom like crazy, but giving my life to the Lord, I know that I will see her again.

So why do I tell you all this? Because, I know there is a God, I wouldn’t be here today without him and I would have the ability to be joyful when my flesh wants to fall apart. For those of you who don’t know God and don’t have a relationship with him, my heart breaks for you! That you will never get to experience the presence of God. However, there is good news … For, ” everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13