In October 2014 I attended a women’s conference that was put on by our new church. I gained a number of things out of this conference, but the main thing I grabbed onto was the calling that I needed to break out of my shell and find my voice. For those who know me, I am very quiet, reserved and of few words. I tend to be the listener and not the speaker. I wasn’t always this way, as a child, I would have talked your ear off, I would talk to anyone, anywhere, I had NO fear. Somewhere along the line that changed. Maybe it was because I became fearful of what others would think of what I said. Maybe it was because I had gained wisdom. After all, I was always taught to be a woman of few words, for if I spoke all the time just to fill a conversation with words no one would listen when it really mattered. I feel like I remember my grandpa saying that if you were of few words and spoke up when it mattered people would stop and listen. Whatever the change, it had forever changed who I was as a child. I am not the one who will be at the podium speaking (unless he calls me and gives me a HUGE dose of courage) and I will not be screaming my testimony from the rooftops.

I know deep down that when he called me to find my voice he called me to write. I was to write my story, my testimony, my experiences. It sounded like a great idea at the time, however, I began to doubt myself and my ability. I felt like no one would really want to read about my story or would care about what I had to say. So, over the past several months I would continue to ask for prayer about what finding my voice really meant. I think in a way I was hoping for some kind of affirmation or someone to tell me outright that I should write my story. Someone to validate that my story had a meaning and a purpose. Frankly I already had all of this from the one who matters most but I think I was desperate for some kind of earthly confirmation.

I would not get the confirmation I needed from anyone earthly. I would continue to be prompted by the Holy Spirit to write. Things would happen, ideas would pop in my head and I would let those moments pass me by. It wasn’t until yesterday that I would finally listen to his calling. He prepared me to sit down and write a chapter from my story. (See God’s Presence in my story) It was easier than I thought to write it all down, but the thought of sharing it completely freaked me out. I decided to publish it in a blog format on the web but did not dare to share it on social media in fear of what my friends or family might say, to know that people are critiquing my thoughts, my experiences, my translation of what the Lord has been saying to me and to know what I truly feel. You might as well stick me out on a busy road completely naked for everyone to see. It was definitely more than I was prepared to do so I just let it sit there, and figured I would share one day when I had more courage and content.

Well, as always he has different plans and this morning I learned a valuable lesson…. You can run, but God WILL find you!

Last night covered in guilt that I have not been reading the word as I promised God since the beginning of the year, I decided to download a short little devotional reading plan and that would at least get me studying something amongst the chaos of 3 small children. Last night’s devotional talked about taking risks and in order to live a great story we need to take godly risks and trust that he has a plan and a purpose for our lives. I read it and while I felt encouraged nothing jumped off the page at me.

This morning, my alarm went off at 4am and as I was going to roll out of bed to do my morning workout I thought I would spend a few minutes resting and read today’s devotional. If I were sitting in a chair I would have fallen off in the shock of what he revealed to me.

I began to read .. But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.” Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.” Exodus 4:10-14

This morning, I finally shared all of this with my husband and as I read the verse again I began to weep. I may feel that what I have to say or what I have to write about is insignificant, but who am I to determine that for someone else. God is the one who will determine if they see and hear what he is trying to tell them. Therefore, I know that if writing about my story and my experiences encourages just one, then being open, raw and vulnerable is all worth it to do what he has called me to do.